I have had three long-term romantic relationships in the past thirty years, primarily sequential, all ended.
In Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends
An additional level of painful awareness has been offered by the newly released book on how entrepreneurs are terrible in relationships. I spontaneously combusted with sorrow just looking at the image in that post.
I have sequestered myself in the safety zone of “no relationships for a year after a break-up” but if I ever were ready to date again, Marketplace’s recent report on online dating mentioning the mobile app Tinder made me groan. Tinder users select possible mates by photo alone. That women use Tinder, too, made my groan turn to a keen. How beautiful or handsome is any face when expressing angry disappointment, anguish over hurt, or viewed from the side, vomiting into a toilet? All happen in real life and in relationships.
This morning I felt catalyzed to follow the advice of a mentor from a few weeks ago. During my self-imposed exile from relationships, he suggested I make a list of “must-haves” and “wants.” When or if I’m ready and a potential relationship comes along, I’ll be better able to think about whether or not it’s a fit before what Harville Hendrix terms the “love drug” hits and I become all feeling, no thought.
Must-haves
- You value honesty, are honest as far as humanly possible, and admit when you are not.
- You have integrity.
- You feel genuine regard and appreciation for me outside of, and regardless of, whether or not we are in a relationship.
- You value self-awareness and personal growth and take action to grow.
- You value collaborative growth and discovery within a relationship.
- You acknowledge that conflict happens.
- You value talking through problems and enter discussions seeking understanding and closeness.
- You value mutual, reciprocal, lateral conversations. You are interested enough in me and others to want, and to be mindful of, sharing air time.
- You’re not a fan of one-up vs. one-down and you can become conscious of it happening and alter course.
- You respect my autonomy. I can tell this because you use “I-statements” and refrain from giving me unsolicited advice unless I request it. “You should” is not part of your vocabulary.
- You read. You’re open to talking about what you, I, and we together, might be reading.
Wants
- You have no credit card debt.
- You have guy friends or are a member of a community.
- You are willing to take solo vacations.
From creating this list, I have several insights and observations.
- Swapping out “you” with “I” would create lists of what I would earnestly and consciously do my best to bring to a relationship.
- Except for the reading part, the must-have list is also a wish list for all my relationships – with family members, acquaintances, friends, employees, clients, employers.
- The word “love” is mentioned nowhere.
- I use “you-statements.” Those might be perceived as controlling directives. At almost 55, with two lost marriages, I don’t expect to pledge my troth again. And I have joined the ranks of many single women and few single men my age. I consciously accept that I may be alone until the end. The painter has been here this week painting the townhouse walls bright white. He is quiet, kind company. But when he leaves, I feel a deep, strong, inner quiet. The “must-haves” foster and protect that. Regardless of with whom I have or do not have a relationship, it is with that inner sense that I want to spend the rest of my life.
Since this surprising, glorious, serendipitous conversation began three days ago, I have experienced such a feeling of well-being! To have such thoughtful, caring insights shared with me and others! I am so grateful! Thank you SO much!
You obviously opened the door, Anne. Thank you!
Goodness knows, you’ve gotten me thinking about all this! I have concluded one thing, though: What (or who) I want isn’t necessarily what (or who) I need. I’ve found that the Universe is much wiser about these things than I am. Leave yourself open to your intuition and to improbable synchronicities. After all, my husband picked me up in a parking lot at an autocross 31 years ago. While it hasn’t been smooth sailing, I can’t imagine my life without him. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a broken person, patched together with spit and binding twine. It makes sense that the Universe would send someone to me who would test and teach me how to fix the broken places. We only recently identified “our song” – “Broken Road” as sung by Melodie Crittenden – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hug0xVDoHbA&feature=youtu.be
Whatever happens, Anne, I only wish the best for you.
Thank you so much, Terry and Janeson!
Anne, I love the original post and all of the amazing comments/responses that have followed. My first husband qualified as “perfect” — he had all of the qualifications everyone said you should look for in a husband. But, he wanted me to be his “ideal”, not who I was. Also, honestly, I wanted him to be my “perfect knight”, not what he really was. No surprise that once we stopped pretending, it was so clear that everything was built on what we wanted, not reality. Part of what I love most about my current relationship (26 years now), is that there are no rose-colored glasses. I had my “criteria” for what I wanted a new man in my life to be/have and he didn’t meet even half of what I had listed, but he makes me happy and makes me feel good about me. And I do the same for him. At the end of the day, that’s all I ever wanted. It is nice to have sat down to express that. Thank you for giving me that opportunity.
>he makes me happy and makes me feel good about me. And I do the same for him. At the end of the day, that’s all I ever wanted.
Brought tears to my eyes. Yes, that’s it.
How courageous, Gail! To believe that you can give and receive happiness and goodness!
>how I wanted to live
– Liz
I know that relationships ending obliterates self-esteem. For now, I will work on my end of the bargain, practicing feeling happy and good on my own, trying to learn how I want to live.
Thank you so much, Gail, for your wisdom and candor!
Responding to Gail B. Somebody in AA once told me: “Being happy is not the point.” If not, then what is? Frankly, I think it is central to our being and is the focus of most of our energy throughout our lives, whether it be in relating to others, serving humanity, being successful in our careers, rearing good children, whatever …
If I am successful in my primary goals and I am not happy, something vital is missing and I am not at all “successful.” Money won’t do it for me, but it might for you, so we have to evaluate ourselves and our values, relationships being among the most important of them. What works for me is probably not going to work for you, so asking my advice will only help you understand what one of your options is.
For me, I think, the center of the focus goes to forgiveness, understanding, tolerance and a wide berth. I want to allow–no, to encourage–those in my circle to be who they are and to include me if they can. I want to support their decisions and their philosophies with clarity and to tell them when I disagree with them. That disagreement will not cost them anything. It is simply part of who we are and how we relate.
Dan Smith
Dan, it is my small hard-earned belief that we don’t define happiness in a way our soul’s understand. Television and the internet show people having “fun” and the introverts among us go “oh dear, I don’t know how to be happy.” (An obviously simplistic example, but I think we know what I mean.) Happiness is a contentment in our being with who and what we are. It is not provided by others in any way–but our good relationships certainly amplify it. Happiness is getting up in the morning and knowing we are grateful, respectful and loving of ourselves and our world and that is enough. Having material goods is a support system for us to pursue who we are meant to be. As Rumi says: “Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love.” If we do that, we stop looking for someone to “make us happy.” We already are. And where two people who are in this place meet–whether for friendship or companionship or partnering–life is overflowing.
Anne: I can’t argue with that. Nicely stated. Dan
I went and read the article on entrepreneurs and relationships. Pffft….another silly article written by an immature egoist who is confusing cause and effect. Anne, I suggest, as a cathartic, you print that article out, walk outside, and set the damn thing on fire. Most of the so-called “entrepreneurs” I have met are immature, preening narcissists. Yes, it’s true…being an immature preening narcissist occasionally leads to success in business. But if you are an immature preening narcissist, I would suggest that you don’t have to be an entrepreneur to have one train wreck after another in your relationships.
Entrepreneurism is over-rated, and has become a kind of holy grail in the business world….I see way too many young people aspiring to be an entrepreneur, and in their minds, it means they can take one magical idea and somehow become fabulously rich before they are thirty. It happens, but a lot less often than anyone thinks, but you get stuck in that notion by reading too many articles in the business media. The reality is that most successful businesses take twenty years or more to mature and become prosperous, and that means twenty years of grindingly hard work. The myth of entrepreneurism suggests you can just sit around, drink a lot of Red Bull, stay up late pretending to work, and get rich.
Entrepreneurism has NOTHING TO DO with relationships. Personality does. If you can’t find the balance between your work and your personal life, you can call yourself an entrepreneur, or you can yourself Terry, you may call yourself Timmy, you may call yourself Bobby, you may call yourself Zimmy, you may call yourself R.J., you may call yourself Ray, you may call yourself anything but no matter what you say, you’re gonna have to serve somebody….Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord, but you’re gonna have to serve somebody….make room for Grace and get out of the way….
I so want to get to this place, Andrew! I laughed when you suggested burning the article, then I groaned about how much money I have burned. I think a part of my entrepreneurial efforts were immature and egoist, certainly idealistic. I don’t know if you saw this or not, but I went 54 months without a paycheck:
http://www.handshake20.com/2013/03/dear-past-employer.html
My spouse supported me during all this time. And I wasn’t able to make any of the startups financially successful after 5 years of effort. I have regrets.
I love this!
>Pffft
Onward! Thank you, Andrew!
My note was not meant to be an indictment of entrepreneurism, but strictly a critique of the article about how entrepreneurs may be bad at relationships. I have been involved in start ups and small businesses since I was seventeen, and yes, several of them failed….some badly.
There are now “entrepreneurship” programs at universities. I had the opportunity once to ask the head of one of these programs what exactly they were going to teach that would be different from business basics. He admitted they had no idea. Sort of university “entrepreneurism” in action.
Thirty years ago, before the cult worship of “entrepreneurs,” we would say someone is starting a business. Now, starting a business is, according to the acolytes and high priests of “entrepreneurism,” old and tired. Forget about business basics…entrepreneurism is better because it uses the “gnome underpants” business model (Google it).
The most successful people in the world (meaning they have both a successful career AND a healthy personal life) are able to balance the two, and make time for themselves and their family. It has been shown over and over again that working more rarely leads to success. But the news media glorifies one-off eccentrics like Ellison and Zuckerberg as something to be imitated, when they are, in fact, the exception that proves the rule.
>the news media glorifies one-off eccentrics
Love your phrasing, Andrew!
I can’t tell you how much it means to me to hear someone not speak the party line on the glory of entrepreneurship. I know we all had the best of intentions, but I bought it hook, line and sinker – and sink, I did. My regret is taking some people down with me. My belief that I would be an exception and my gullibility are my parts to work on – and I’m working! Again, thank you, Andrew!
Hey Anne!
I always appreciate how your emotional honesty stirs self-reflection. I saw this post and dug out this old list I made a few years ago in a relationship seminar back when I believed I could just will the right man to my doorstep. Well, that hasn’t worked, but the list is still relevant 🙂 The exercise asked us to write down a requirement, how you’d probe for that requirement, and how you qualify that requirement. Interestingly enough, the most important takeaway from that seminar was not this list but a new appreciation for being single and enjoying the time, freedom, and calm of being “on my own.” It started moving me from feeling like there was a hole in my life to filling that hole with purely selfish endeavors. When I stopped worrying about dying alone, I started planning around how I wanted to live – concerts, festivals, beaches, hikes, road trips, etc. It’s left me wondering today if I’m even willing to make room in that hole for a relationship, but if I become so inclined, here’s the requirements list:
-Must be an example: This has consistently been a stumbling block/deal breaker for me. Who are your role models? Am I comfortable exposing my children to this person’s personality and philosophy? Can this person serve as an example of the men I want my sons to grow into?
-Must respect women: As evidenced in the way he speaks of/treats his Mom, waitresses, female co-workers, etc. Not intimidated by strong women or a doormat to be walked on by one. Where are you from? Is your family close by? Does he inappropriately denigrate the women in his life?
-Be thoughtful: Covers a few areas including integrity, honesty, and compassion. Acknowledge birthdays, holidays, accomplishments. Respect my need for solitude. Does what he says he’s going to do or be honest about limitations. Should walk his talk. What did you do for your last birthday? How does he approach celebrations?
-Speak positive words: As an unreasonable optimist, I welcome realists to help me scope out the world. However, always negative complainers refocus my energy on trying to fix their complaint source, point out the good side of the thing they’re criticizing, and turn their frowns upside down. Someone just pissed in your cornflakes, what do you do? How does he react to disappointment or things that are contrary to his belief structure?
-Beat me at Jeopardy: A man of equal or superior intelligence can provide hours upon hours of conversation. Read any good books lately? Does he have a bookcase, signs of an affinity for learning, ability to speak confidently and factually across subjects or at minimum, ask questions where knowledge is limited?
-Must have a profession, trade or industry to which they’ve dedicated themselves to over time and represents something they are passionate about. I’m not just talking about doctors and lawyers here. I’m talking about the backyard mechanics who have worked on cars since their teen years, a trucker who has been on the road for decades, the insurance guy who has been at it for years. Sign of dedication and the focus to do work that he enjoys not just collect a check. What do you do for a living? Do you enjoy it? How did you get into that line of work? Is he financially self-sufficient? Does he complain about work and/or demonstrate a lack of control or disgust around the workplace?
-Have a struggle: Whether financially, professionally, or philosophically. It builds character and compassion in a way that someone who has had it “easy” may not relate to. What was your childhood like? Has he overcome something that gives him pride?
-Enjoy new experiences: I often dream up experiences I’d like to have, like the annual Grand Canyon Star Party, but can’t imagine going for it without someone at my side who’s as excited about it as I am. Where did you go on your last vacation? Does he enjoy traveling, see it as a hassle, or is a couch potato?
-Have a hobby: Sports, woodworking, volunteering, etc, something that gives him pleasure and a chance to unwind outside and apart from work, family, and the grind. What do you do on the weekends? Any hobbies? Does he have any interests that give him a sense of fulfillment?
-Must love music: Not in the regular way of appreciating a song on the radio, but have a genre or artist that they follow, study, and respect. Stuck on a dessert island with an MP3 player, what’s on it? How does he talk about his favorite music/musicians?
-Must love and/or own dogs: The act of taking in and caring for an animal speaks to compassion. I’m not a cat person, reptiles/insects give me heebie jeebies, and rodents are unacceptable, prefer a dog man. How did you come by your dog? How does he treat his dog?
-Be a nature liker: Doesn’t need to be Grizzly Adams but shouldn’t blow off a chance to sit in the backyard and gaze at the universe. Ever been camping? Does he speak positively or negatively about nature?
-Be quirky or a quirky-appreciater: I don’t want be changed or enforce change on anyone. Prefer a man who embraces something a little out of the norm. [Point out something quirky] That looks pretty cool, what do you think? Is he instantly repulsed or expressing curiosity?
-Be a fearless in the face of multi-legged creatures: I freak out in their presence, prefer a man who’s not freaking out with me but methodically working toward eradication. Have any major phobias? Does he express a fear of multi-legged creatures? How does he react when faced with one?
-Have a big appetite: I love to cook for plate cleaners. What’s your favorite meal? Is he a fast food junkie or foodie?
-Bonus: Be a single father. No one understands the challenges, last minute cancellations, and stresses of being a single parent like a single parent.
-Bonus: Be equal to or taller than me: I’m tallish with an Amazon complex. Can I wear 4 inch heels and not dwarf my date? Is he intimidated or inappropriately obsessed with my height.
-Bonus: Own at least one pair of Adidas: My own character flaw – I’m a sneakerhead.
Liz, I so appreciate you sharing your list! I can relate to it and am so gratified to learn I am not alone in feeling and thinking this way.
I love the honesty and self-support in this:
>back when I believed I could just will the right man to my doorstep. Well, that hasn’t worked, but the list is still relevant 🙂
And I aspire to this:
>the most important takeaway from that seminar was not this list but a new appreciation for being single and enjoying the time, freedom, and calm of being “on my own.” It started moving me from feeling like there was a hole in my life to filling that hole with purely selfish endeavors. When I stopped worrying about dying alone, I started planning around how I wanted to live – concerts, festivals, beaches, hikes, road trips, etc. It’s left me wondering today if I’m even willing to make room in that hole for a relationship
I so see the need to move from perceiving a hole or holes in my life to feeling full of a life richly lived. I am on it! Thank you again so much, Liz!
After writing this post yesterday morning, I left for a workout, thinking wistfully, “Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just meet and like each other and go from there?”
I appreciate my instinct and desire for things to evolve organically and naturally. Extraordinary comments from Terry, Janeson, Dan and Andrew have helped me realize that my hesitancy to count on that evolution is fear-based.
I imagine in 6 months, I’ll read this post again and see that it might be primarily hurt-born. I do feel vulnerable and raw and in need of protection. I see that I do not trust the universe to provide me with a good match. And I don’t trust myself to fall in love with someone with whom a good match will emerge. I’m trying to control the universe and myself. Chokes me up but I’m laughing, too. I might want to focus on the latter, not the former.
And even before I read Terry’s comment, “Sometimes a crisis in their lives has forced that position,” I was questioning “No credit card debt.” What if they chose to accept debt to send their kids to great schools? What if their kids needed medical care beyond health insurance coverage? What if they did themselves?! Again, I think that criterion was born of fear: If the man is worried about money, then he’s not available to be in a relationship with me. So maybe what I really want is something like this: “You are at peace with the choices you have made about money and, if not, you’re working on them.”
Eh. Even in that I sense a struggle to avoid pain.
Terry, this is lovely: “You accept me as I am and I accept you as you are.” You mention acceptance, too, Janeson.
Dan, the authors of Rebuilding recommend even waiting 1-2 years before dating again.
And, Andrew, you have helped me see beautifully that in order to look away, I would need to trust. Separated only 6 months, living apart 4 of them, I only feel the beginning of the ability to think about relationships, but not to feel them. My heart is so sore.
How grateful I am to you for sharing your insights and wisdom with me! How comforted I feel! Thank you!!
Anne:
Thank you for asking. I neglect thinking about how fortunate I am all too often and this put me in a grateful mode. Regardless of what happens with Leah or anybody else, I am comfortable with Dan and that’s far more important than what’s outside.
Dan
>I am comfortable with Dan
I aspire to being comfortable with Anne! 🙂 Thank you again so much, Dan! I am grateful for you!
What a process, my dear friend. To find the place of trust and to be love. That’s it, isn’t it? And to trust in ourselves as well as others? Now there’s a challenge:) When I was writing my latest book, I feared that people would say “who said she could do that?” And then as I wrote, it became: “I did. And that’s enough.” The same is true of when we create our life. There’a sense of energy that comes with us and through us and it can’t be denied. Though we will mourn our losses, we also celebrate finding our strength. You, Anne, have strength enough for armies!
I have found the love of my life twice by looking away…..In 1986, I stood in the cold January night at the top of the hill at the golf course in Blacksburg, looking for Haley’s Comet. Because we have only color vision in the center of our retina, if you want to see the faint light of a comet, you must look away so that your rods (b/w vision) are activated…and the comet becomes visible. So it is, I think, with love. You don’t look for love, love finds you. You have to be completely happy without love to be found by love. Wanting love is like trying to look directly at the comet; it does not work.
And that is how it worked for me. After two failed relationships in my late twenties and early thirties, I began to see a pattern…..the common element was me. I wanted love too much, and was making bad choices. So I stopped looking for love. And love found me….and gave me twenty-five years of perfect love. And death stepped in.
Single again, I did what worked before…I did things that made me happy….alone. And while I was open to love, I was not looking. And love found me again.
Put another way, we have to put ourselves into a state of being open to God’s grace, for I believe true love arrives only through Grace. And that means letting go of the outcome, letting go of the result, and letting God pour his Grace into our life.
It does not mean giving up on love, for that is a kind of despair. But it means letting go of love.
Dear Andrew, That was so beautiful. Thank you. I love what Mary Oliver says:
“To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.”
My losses allowed me to see what was important and true and full of Grace. And that is enough.
Beautiful insights, Anne. I find that as I get older I have boiled it down to but one requirement–you accept me as I am and I accept you as you are. (I guess that’s two:)) That is the beginning of finding out who a person is: by their ability to accept other than themselves. This ability contains a lot of the individual “wants” above, in that the persons who can do that are wholly themselves, therefore they would be able to be alone, have other friends, etc. The only one I would not stick to is the “no credit card debt.” Sometimes a crisis in their lives has forced that position and I would hate to pass by the wonders of another human for a plastic reason. You know I love you, and my definition of love is allowing one to be himself/herself without judgement. I was interviewed this week on Unity.FM on The Soul Directed Life (archived) and my subject was making friends with death. In the weeks leading up to that interview, I learned to walk with imperfection and fear and come to a quiet center of knowing. What a gift! I am now better at recognizing the gifts in each person, though I certainly don’t see everyone as a mate!! Much love, dear friend. Just my thoughts, not instructional in any way.
I’m sorry to hear about the ending of your second marriage. My husband and I have been married 29 years but living apart the last two. The “living apart married people” (LAMP 🙂 ) arrangement is working well for us. We see or talk to each other pretty much every day, but having our own retreats gives us the space we need to think. I wish you the best of luck! BTW, my list is much the same as yours except that the person I am with has to be smarter than I am, doesn’t watch sports or care about them much, is willing to talk about and to initiate discussion of issues that arise, and must be as accepting of my idiosyncrasies as I am of his.
Anne:
Interesting piece and I am not at all surprised you wrote it. You are one of the more introspective and almost painfully honest people I’ve known.
I’m not sure, however, that the list is not limiting. Leah had a list two and a half pages long for her “perfect man” when we met, and she tells me I met nearly every criteria. I don’t think I would do that today, 18 months later, as the relationship has matured and evolved. I also think her list today might be substantially different. Mine would, had I taken the time to write one.
I think intimate relationships are separate living entities that mature in their own way, help form us and subtly change who we were. It’s like aboriginal people who are suddenly exposed to “civilized” intruders. They can never be the same again. Sometimes that’s bad, sometimes it’s good.
You are wise to take a year off. When I entered AA, the first list of instructions I got from my sponsor had, “No relationships in the first year” ranked just after “Don’t drink, and go to meetings.” I added to that, “Don’t date anybody in recovery.” Two drunks rarely make one sober, unless one is a sponsor and not a lover.
You have a lot of courage, among many attributes that I admire and I believe you will figure this out and settle into something that leads to comfort and satisfaction. A failed marriage is not a failed person. Christina and I remain very close friends, but we could not be married because it was not right for us. We took the step of looking at why and what we should do next to salvage what was of value. It wasn’t that difficult once we let our guards down and worked at it together.
I wish you the best because I value you.
Dan
Dan, I was so impressed with your thoughtful reply to Anne. The organics of a relationship are why I wrote “must accept me as I am” and “I must accept him as he is” because both of us, god willing, would grow and change both within and without the relationship. I am fortunate to be in a relationship for 15 years now where we are able to accept each other as we are, support those things that fit and allow for separations in those that don’t. The longer we are together the more the former is true. Blessings to Anne and everyone on this page for owning their own beliefs and honoring the beliefs of their partners and knowing when to change the “house” of their relationship. Anne, I believe you honored your relationship in the knowing that it had run its course, never an easy choice to make. Blessings to all, Therese