1. You were right to seek out people to help you.
Although some people do achieve abstinence* on their own, you weren’t able to. Everything you did alone to try to stop didn’t work.
Addiction is a 24-hour problem so recovery from it takes 24-hour help. Trust your original instinct that you needed the company and support of other people who want what you want. Make being connected to them your top priority.
At times, you will think some obligation of some kind – usually born of guilt or fear about not doing something at work or with a partner or with family – will seem more important than being with people or reaching out to people who are intentionally trying to stay in recovery. Especially in early recovery, almost never is that event or activity more important. Most of us will lose exactly what we think is most important to us if we lose our abstinence. Paradoxically, we have to put second what’s most important to us to keep it.
Know that isolating yourself, thinking “I’ve got this,” fear of bothering people with your phone calls, and inertia can all be part of addiction. Organize your day by thinking first of how to stay connected, then work backwards from there. Encourage yourself – push yourself if you have to – to go to gatherings and meetings, use the phone, and text like crazy to stay connected all day, every day, to people in recovery.
2. Watch out for shame.
Feeling ashamed of discovering one has become addicted to alcohol or drugs is not justified, but stigma is real and, at the beginning, it’s normal.
Shame tells us we deserve bad treatment and we can let down our normal barriers against allowing people to advise, define, evaluate, judge or criticize us.
An unfortunate tradition in recovery circles is to be directive, confrontational and critical with people newly abstinent. Best practices in care for addiction do not support confrontation. They support kindness.
It’s very hard to become aware of one’s feelings in the midst of the shock, grief and disorientation of not drinking or using, but try to be acutely aware of feeling shame when listening to someone share in a support group meeting or during a conversation with someone who seems to mean well.
If you start to feel ashamed, start singing “La-la-la” in your mind or whatever other method works best for you to block the intrusion of someone else’s views into your right to choose your own. Do this until someone else begins to share and then listen again, or until you can excuse yourself from that conversation to try another one.
Shame is part of the addiction problem. It’s not the solution. We’re all at different levels of evolution and transformation, desperate to hold on to what seems to be working for us now. Listen for people expressing kindness and move yourself towards them.
“[Some people] respond with rage when pressed to consider different viewpoints or countermanding data. The visceral power of these responses should be a clue to the psychology behind them: we save our fiercest defenses for an attack on that which keeps us whole.”
– Lance Dodes
3. Watch out for boundaries.
Attending meetings with the like-minded and like-hearted can give you an uplifting feeling of oneness with everyone. Feel one with the group, but practice normal social distance with individuals. Many of us have multiple problems, have had our boundaries violated on tragic levels, and are still uncertain about where we leave off and others begin. Protect and care for your vulnerable self at this time of incredible change for you. We’re all just trying to get better.
4. Cry.
Cry when you’re alone, when you’re with another person, when you’re in a group, when you’re at a meeting, when you’re in line at the grocery store. Cry anytime, anywhere. Better out than in.
5. About those thoughts of drinking and those drinking dreams?
Yeah. Normal. Call someone. Now.
6. If you only remember one thing I’ve told you – and it’s unlikely you’ll remember a single thing I’ve said given the state of one’s brain in early recovery – remember this one hyphenated term: self-care.
For about a billion reasons, people addicted to substances and processes lack the belief that they deserve self-care. Even if they want to practice self-care, they don’t have a clue where to begin or how to continue. Yet, self-care is fundamental to both beginning to recover and continuing to grow.
Just be open to the idea of becoming able to care for yourself with all your heart.
. . . . .
*I use “abstinence” and “drinking” in this post because are my personal addictions treatment goals, derived in collaboration with health professionals who know my particular case. But they are only one of many possible goals in addictions recovery. I am a proponent of harm reduction which supports recovery as an individual process.
